His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
