So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
