I wish i was in the wii world.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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