i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
