so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
