He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
