I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
