I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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