u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i drank out of a bidet.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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