I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
