My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
