we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
