She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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