Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
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