had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
