Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
