Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
