He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
