After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
