i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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