For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
