i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
