i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
