I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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