if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
