i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
