I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
