How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
