rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
