Midget sex pt 2 tonight
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
