I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
