i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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