I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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