We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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