So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
