i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
