i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
