Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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