There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
