Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
