omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
