I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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