You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
