I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
