My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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