Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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