peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Couch. On fire.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
