Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
