I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
