I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
