1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
