I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
