I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
