Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
