I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
