feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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